"Social Injustice must end."

Ladies and Gentlemen, readers of the AndyFaceMedia Blog, lend me your eyeballs:

Martin Luther King, Jr. famously wrote in his Letter from Birmingham Jail that "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." It has come to my attention that there is a great injustice occurring among a minority group all across America. This threat to justice grows ever larger every year, particularly during this time of year. They have been trampled upon for centuries on end and they deserve equal rights:
The turkey.

Now, you may wonder what horrible injustice has been incurred upon this variety of poultry. As you may know, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Who, may I ask, is one species that is ultimately required to be killed by the millions?
The turkey.

Why must we discriminate against these poor souls? Are they somehow specieally inferior to chickens, cows, and fish? Is it just because we have sunk our jagged teeth into their juicy leg muscles for so long that we dismiss the gruesomeness as being a tradition? We may as well make a holiday where as part of the tradition, we each hit people with baseball bats. What would be the justifications for these acts of malice? Perhaps that it was a matter of tradition, as people were often beaten as slaves? This is absolutely ludicrous.

In addition, you may hear about feminists demanding equal wages for men and women in the workplace. However, what some activists seem to overlook is the fact that one could argue that turkeys are in an even worse bind. For example, cows, when killed, are neatly separated into separate muscle groups, perfectly packaged, and sold for a hefty price. Turkeys, on the other hand, simply get their heads chopped off, their bodies thrown into a plastic bag, and piled atop each other in a freezer bin and peddled at ninety nine cents a pound. Even a pound of the cows' moldy milk remains can be worth more than five pounds of a turkey.

Winston Churchill once said, "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." This is completely unrelated to turkeys, but I deduced that it might increase the appearance of intellect in my prose.

I must ask the question: "Why turkey?" I demand that we begin this year to consume, with equality, the various edible meats on Thanksgiving. Not only does this encourage specieal diversity at the dinner table, but also eliminates frustrating and unnecessary rules, since now the dog can finally be on the dinner table. We can even get those poor little kittens off the streets, out of the pounds, and especially out of those ASPCA commercials and get them into our stomachs.

If you have not noticed yet, China is a great threat to American superiority, as we owe more and more money to them each coming year. You may wonder how they have advanced further than we have economically, but all that is necessary to answer this question is to look at their menus. They do not restrict their diets to turkeys on certain days. In fact, nearly everything that moves or has stopped moving is fair game, from scorpions to duck feet.

You have also perhaps heard the phrase "This tastes like crap!" This was my inspiration for diverting even more hungry stomachs from the hapless turkey. If we begin eating scorpions and such, why stop there? With the growing world population, there has been a dramatic increase in the amount of fecal matter produced by humans. Although this may sound repulsive, think about it: if you have stomached your mother's meatloaf, which you have already found to taste like crap, there should be no issue with stomaching the real deal.

Nutritionalists may argue that this may produce an imbalanced diet. However, my findings show quite the contrary. There is larger amounts of scientific evidence that countless microorganisms find sustenance in consuming fecal matter. If we are so much more advanced than these amoebas, why can we not find sustenance as well?

In conclusion, I resolve that turkeys have had enough trauma in their history and cultural background. I will not rest until this threat to justice is abolished forever. Through the increased range of dieting I propose, I truly believe that there is hope for our feathered companions. That is why I implore you, this Thanksgiving, to find something else to gobble.

Thank you for reading, and goodnight.
Any thoughts on this controversial and hot-button issue? Comment below.